Healing

I’m still suffering from Post CTY Depression – it’s almost been a week since I’ve gotten back – but it’s still here.  It’ll probably never leave.

I’ve had my first real human interaction since CTY today.  Interaction with family doesn’t count.  I went over to Eden’s today and I think it worked on my PCTYD.  I still talked mostly about CTY, but I didn’t have the chance to wallow.  Which I’ve been doing most of the time.

We went to Barnes & Noble’s and I was planning to get my brother his present but then I saw the price (it was a hardcover book) so I figured waiting to come with my parents to come and using their B&N membership card would be a bit smarter.  However, I saw the bible version of The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and I knew I couldn’t wait for my parents to get that one.  Also, they’d probably make me get the paperback version of it (a whole dollar less.)  It’s “bound” in fake plastic and the outside of the pages is gold.  It’s so pretty and it makes me so happy. 8D

Watching the Olympics is rather taxing and sleep depriving.  My parents have been watching past twelve while I’ve been trying to sleep at eleven and I’m still sleep deprived.  That’s probably why these blogs have been so sloppy and repetitive.  Go me.  My entire family has turned into Phelps’ fans though.  It’s kind of weird, but fun never the less.  GO PHELPS!

And so, this concludes my post.  Good night.

Back

I’m back from CTY and I HATE it.  The “real world” is my least favorite place right now.  I wanna go home, back to Lancaster with Andrew and Tiffany and Anna and Laura and Caroline and Tom and Charlene and everyone awesome.

I’m a five year freak.  I could have had two more years of heaven.  Two.  At this point, I don’t want to get a job, I don’t want to be productive, I just want to go home.

I’m not the same person as I was when I left my house those three weeks ago.  I’ve change, but I don’t know how.  I can’t do anything anymore without being reminded of CTY and at times I want to start sobbing uncontrollably. Just last night, just as I left my room, I started panicking as I realized that I didn’t have my spoon or keys on my lanyard.  I was thinking, “Oh crap.  I locked myself out.”
Then I realized I could not get locked out, and even if I somehow did, the key was right above the doorframe.
I’m having a hard time adjusting back to life here, but I also don’t want to.  I’m afraid I’ll slowly start to forget, just like every other year.  Except this time, there is no next time for me to look forward to, no next time for me to let me redeem my mistakes, no next time for me to relive it all.
Even if somehow, my parents decide to let me go back next year, I don’t think I would be able to do it.  I lived this year knowing it was my last and it was a damper on my happiness.  I don’t think I would be able to do that again.  If I went back in two years, it would be just as bad and I’d probably be one of the oldest people there.

Some people suggested that I tell my parents about how awesome CTY is, how it affects me, what it does to me, so they would let me come back.  I can’t do that either.  Most people want to tell others about their CTY experience, but I don’t.  My memories of CTY are my safespace.  CTY itself is my safespace and I don’t want to let anyone else in.  They’d alter it, whether it be intentional or unintentional.
Also, they tell my aunts and uncles everything.  Is it really their business if I cry after CTY?  Is it really any of their business at all?  Honestly.

What my Passionfruit Speech was supposed to be:

Hi, I’m Lavina.  Most people know me as Emo Kitteh, or panda hat girl.  I’m actually a five year freak with two more years left.  I wish I could stay.

These two years at Lancaster have been the best of my life.  I’ve experienced so many things here that never would have happened anywhere else.

I’ve raved in the circle, slowdanced, worshiped a cardboard unicorn, absorbed awesomeness from a wurmicorn,
I’ve been poked, attacked, tickled, hit in the head with glowsticks and frisbees, “eaten” glasses, slightly molested and boobtagged.
I’ve learned how to dance, how to glowstring, how to be myself.

I love CTY and I love the Passionfruit.

Thanks and Love to (in no particular order):

Andrew- for making this the best few weeks of my life, for everything we did together, for putting up with my stupidity, for the hugs and kisses, for the late night phone calls, for everything.
Anna- for coming to Lancaster instead of Carlisle for your last year and meeting all of us, for being just as ticklish as I am, for your awesome sense of humor and crazy, cackling laugh
Laura- for your awesome glowstringing skills, for your questions that stump Jason, and for your awesome telescope skillz (so we all got to see Jupiter)
Tiffany- for being one of my first friends this year, for waiting for me to get ready in the morning (and for the one time you didn’t), for lending me your eyeliner sharpener and for putting up with me the entire session
Caroline- for being the unofficial hall squirrel, for being so adorable, for your odd expressions you have while you glowstring, for unleashing your inner crazy in time for us to see it, and for cracking Washington’s glowsticks
Charlene- for being the unicorn (and inspiring the high and holy wormicorn), for your crazy stories during the last sleepover, for almost stealing my book, and for your crazy flipflop experiment
Sam- for learning how to three beat and reverse three beat in two hours, for finding typos in the books, for inspiring the wormicorn and for making class interesting
Melissa- for being my ‘boyfriend’ for Second Saturday (until you changed), for your crazy self-control over Breaking Dawn, for the only girl in the Logic class that really hung out with Astro people
Dena- for making it happen, for being the same Dena.  Nuff said.
Tom- for attempting to teach me three-beat, for showing me how to do sunburst, for switching glowsticks with me so they matched, and for stealing all my duct tape for your Blammo knife.
Washington- for your amazingly adorable puppy dog face, for being the only one in the class who likes anime, for knowing the Hare Hare Yukai (or at least part of it), and for the glowsticks
Will- for making life interesting, for letting me adopt you as the family dog

And thank you, whoever you are, for reading my overly disorganized blog post.